I often question the logic in things,
The reality of nature.
From the outside looking in,
The realm is so small,
I can almost taste my destination,
Fluttering in my possession.
On the other side a tree,
But to soon be struck by lighting,
Falling to the heavens feet.
A blinded sight of thunder,
Every single detail the way it should be.
Now standing in,
Yearning to escape,
To believe in what can’t be replaced.
Otherwise compelled to
NOT imagine the multitude of violence, negativity, individual war,
That WE as humans, as brothers and sisters of each other,
Bring amongst one another.
How every single breathing moment you live,
Is just one single breathing moment closer to your death.
And how being sane,
Isn’t just part of living,
But also a part of living insane.
We all know where sinners go,
But sin has apparently always been thee norm.
We all know of the profoundless attempts to reconstruct the world.
How our fate is seemingly out of boundaries,
Unto nations eager to rebel,
Motivated by greed and Hell.
Why waist a gifted moment,
On a regret that is not even rewarding?
Why anticipate an everlasting enduring love,
When humanity is nothing but CRUEL?
NOT IN THIS EXACT ORDER OF COURSE…
1*Open my own Restaurant… variety of cultural foods-specifically Hispanic and American (black and white) foods and beverages (liquor/non liquor).
2*Have my own hair and nail business
***I would LOVE to combine 1 and 2 as a whole, that would be fabulous!
4*Receive my Masters/PhD.
5*Never Stop Learning.
6*Write and illustrate my own line of books (adults and kids).
7*Ghost-write for a singer/rapper.
8*Gain on endless eternal wisdom.
9*Watch my kids grow up to be productive children of the Lord.
…..And the list goes on, as the anticipation grows I will add to each driving flow!
Showing weakness is not being weak, it’s being honest.
Even then, SMILE!
Even when it hurts, and things seem out of control…
When anger is all you got to show and you feel like you just can’t deal with shit anymore…
Though your days may seem dreary, and nothing goes as planned, but deep down inside you know that God has got the perfect plan instead…
It does the heart good to smile, it gives you strength from a higher power.
Soo, even when your feeling down, broken at the bottom, all hollow,
Even when all others take you for granted or even speak badly of you,
One smile can go a long way,
You never know when others are also having a bad day.
Even though it may take much energy…
Sooner or later your heartache will fade away, and God’s shining light will illuminate the appropriate way.
Soo, no matter what people say,
No matter how bad things appear to be, even when you feel like going insane,
Show the gratitude and warmth in your heart and…
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Sooo, here I am! Gleefully better than before, hopefully with plenty room to grow! I am going to try to do things slightly different, let’s see if it works!
ONE STEP AT A TIME!
What if… for every moment of sorrow, every moment of pain, every moment of hollowness deep within your veins, were traded for all the special things you once believed would never fade away.
What if… everyone and everything were replaced with your involuntarily craze, stuck in a daze inside a cold maze for days, for weeks, for months, for years, for decades.
What if… what if you were as you say I am, or better yet if I weren’t.
What if… every cloud of gray drifted away, to quiet unknowns, that beautiful imaginary place. A place where the sun remains bright even when the stars are shinning late at night.
What if… I were you, and you were me. Could it be?
It used to be beautiful, a feeling of joy, a feeling of happiness. I remained high on LIFE. Always had a smile. How time evolves and moments change.
Now I feel dark, lonely, lost in outer space. I just want some drugs to nudge the demons away. Cut myself and watch myself bleed –feel real pain– just to keep the heartache from driving me insane.
I constantly cry, its fucked up how many tears have dried on my face. Its flight or fight. Either I go or I stay, either way the impact will be hard to face.
Gray clouds shape my destiny as I surrender to fears. The years passing by seem equal to the cave in my chest all dark and hollow with secrets unrevealed .
Then I remember the reason for my life and with the invisible cuffs and bruises I wipe away my troubles and smoke on the kush till it makes me smile again.
As I’m sitting here laying on my bed, wondering what the fuck I’m doing…
As in, doing with my life, my relationship, my career…
I look at my daughter and I see hope. I see Godly success. The miracles of life intertwined with my heavy mental events.
Although, I look for quality I don’t strive for perfection. I try to do my best but it doesn’t always work in affection, so I give it a rest.
It’s like a fight each day within myself! How foolish of me.
I pray that as I channel out some of these emotions through this blog, I will find comfort in my heart for all the blessings I seem to take for granted.
That the realization of the wonderful and joyous aspects of my life will be revealed through my very own reflective shadow of writing presence. My eyes will open, and ears will hear, and the patience that struggles with all of my fears will pour out to flow as water on an unwithered rose.
It seems only rational to partake in the never-ending, uneasiness of life. Being around those whom erk the very last sain nerve right off the batting edge of my might. Who is to say where I will land right now. The sky is the limit, I’m soaring in the clouds.
In the midst of it all, I see myself, and I see my kids, I rejoice in the Wonderful things God has given me. I smile and then I cry! A tear for the joy, a tear fire the sorrow. To only keep faith that I will be able to live lifetill old age next to the ones I love on earth.