Im leaving, but I’ll be back again!

Well, let’s say from him to me- there’s no…
Hey I’m bout to leave,
I’ll be back soon,
I’m going to such n such.
Etc,etc.
At the fortune moment of his return-
there’s no…
Hey I’m back,
Sorry I took so long,
Guess where I went…
NOTHING!
Now, let me play that game…
Let me walk out the door,
even if for only two whole lousy minutes.
I get the question game played on me….
Who, What ,Where, How and for What?
How ironic!

*a.SmileFor.a.Frown*

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Should I stay, or should I go?

My heart and mind are soo exhausted. I don’t want to give up but I really can’t do this anymore. I truly do love him. But I think we need time apart to work on ourselves, although, I feel like we should work together for each other. We just continue to get further apart instead of coming together as ONE. I just don’t know anymore.
I feel soo out of body around him and not in a good way. It’s like he brings all my demons out instead making me a better woman. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of crying, tired of trying to figure out what the best thing for us, as a family, when our household is soo broken. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. Shit, I can’t be the woman he wants and at this point I’m feeling like I shouldn’t be in a relationship whatsoever.
I feel like I’m in a flight or fight phase, either I go or I stay and fight it out. In which case I’m going to loose my sanity. I really love him, I do, but that’s just it our love feels exhausted like we are just holding on because it’s what’s right for the situation and for the circumstances.
I can barely talk to him. It’s sooooo hard to feel any passion towards him and I hate it. I’m so fxn depressed all the time, and I know he is sad too simply because we are not as he would want us to be or happily in love as we once were.
This mess is affecting both of us and also the kids, simply because they can tell when things are’nt right. With all this shit I’m loosing love n its killing me. He thinks he’s not attractive or I got an eye for someone else and truth be told it’s neither or.
It’s so hard to see the bright side of things when God puts them in my face because I’m feeling like sticking this out is a mistake. I don’t want to continue with the both of us in this misery with each other, to only later down the line we split up, and then it will be worse.
I just don’t know what to do. I know I DON’T want to give up, but how can we keep this up without ending up hating one another? Help Me!

I wish he knew, that when…

I look at him…Only God knows how deeply I love him. As teenagers our bond was immature but reliant, on an off, somewhat consistent. After all these years how can it manage to be the same, immature and reliant, on and off, and flatly somewhat consistent. The tension between us seems to be much more heavier than that of my eyelids when I’m either tired or cried out.

So, I look at him…and I just want to climb on him, do everything he desires, cater to him. The way he smiles, all humbled. Undeniably, I love the way he glares at me as if nothing else matters. His caresses are guided by his interests. Each stroke of his fingers gliding gently across my body.

I look at him…I just want to make him happy. I want to make him proud. I want him to know that Im the one who can’t live without.

But then, everything just freezes up. Every thought about him buckles up. My words evaporate like water in his cup. Then soo much focus collides. The laughter and the joy are chased away with the sunrise. And I dread every emotion.

And I, once again look at him and see…

HIM, for what he’s worth. EVERYTHING, despite it all!